I nearly didn’t start Salsa because I “lacked the confidence” to go. And almost all my clients come to me because they say confidence is an issue for them.
But the more I’ve learned about this subject, the less I like to use the term confidence.
Here’s why:
Confidence is Not Concrete
It’s not tangible, you can’t buy, borrow or steal it. Amazon doesn’t stock it and no one has it tucked away in a garage somewhere to summon on demand.
People talk about confidence like it’s fairy dust – a mystical superpower which will just descend at some pre-ordained moment. It isn’t and it won’t.
Confidence IS however often used as an excuse – for not doing what you need or want to do to move forward.
Below are the two more likely reasons you don’t take action on your desire or intention:
- You don’t know what to do or how to go about it.
- You fear what will happen if you do
Realise that this often has NOTHING to do with your ACTUAL ability or potential – in dance or anything else.
It’s more rooted in your own sense of self esteem and self-worth.
What Confidence ACTUALLY is (According to the Dictionary)
- Belief in the certainty of something
- Belief in a favourable outcome
- Belief in the effectiveness of one’s own actions
So the common factor in all three is belief:
What you believe about yourself, your actions, and the likely outcome of them.
When these beliefs are negative, you will be low on confidence.
So the real key to confidence lies first of all in having a better set of beliefs – beliefs which include the possibility of progress and ultimately success.
Why You Can’t Fake Confidence
Pretending to have confidence when you don’t is really the same as trying to be something you are not.
You can’t fake dance skill – you are where you are.
And this is the most important point:
True inner confidence is built on trusting yourself and increasing certainty by building competence.
That trust comes about because of three things:
- You’ve recognised and internalised your motivation and taken ownership of the journey.
- You’ve made a commitment and stuck with it
- You’ve experienced successful outcomes as a result.
The Social Acceptance Angle
The turning point for me was when I realised that my lack of confidence was really more about the gap I perceived between where I was, and where I thought I needed to be to gain acceptance from others.
Notice that this is also tied into what we believe – not what is actually true.
It’s also why the confidence crisis can seem magnified for the introverts and socially anxious among us.
Introverts struggle with the energy drain of being around lots of people for long periods – it’s just easier to stay home and blame confidence.
Socially anxious types struggle because their brains are more sensitive to social norms and hierarchies and how they are perceived by others – and are always trying to work out how to fit in and avoid judgement.
If you struggle with both – as I did for many years – it may feel like all the odds are stacked against you.
But there is a way through:
What We Do When We Don’t Feel Good Enough
We try various strategies to gain acceptance and most don’t work:
We “suck up” – by trying too hard to be liked or to fit in with the group.
We “show off” – by exaggerating or even telling lies. Or by acting larger than life to fake confidence and cover our insecurity.
We “sell out” – by compromising our own values and falling out of integrity with ourselves.
These rarely work because they tend to come across as inauthentic and needy, repelling people rather than impressing them.
Don’t Apologise For Where You Are
One of the biggest things for me was learning that I didn’t have to apologise for where I was in my own journey.
I gave myself a caveat with this – because I desperately wanted to improve for MYSELF:
As long as I was showing up and putting in the effort I wasn’t going to give anyone the right to judge, criticise or challenge my ability. Part of the confidence journey is realising that people will judge anyway – and to not let that blow you off course.
So if I was saying I wanted to reach a high level as a dancer but didn’t take action – that wasn’t ok – based on MY standards for myself.
(There’s not much point complaining about lack of competence or confidence if you aren’t putting in the work.)
When You Show Up But The Results Don’t
If you ARE showing up and NOT getting better outcomes/progress then that’s something else. That probably means that your current strategy isn’t working, which is another conversation entirely.
However it’s worth bearing in mind that this in itself – according to the dictionary definitions – will likely negatively impact your confidence as your actions are not proving effective, and in turn will have repercussions on self-belief.
It’s also one of the things I’m most passionate about in my teaching – helping people to stop undermining their own confidence by giving them processes and strategies which will work quickly and reliably to move their Salsa progress forward.
In turn, as better outcomes are experienced, the confidence increases and the self-image starts to rebuild.
You feel better about being yourself, and less constrained by what everyone else thinks.
Which might actually feel like fairy dust, although I assure you it absolutely isn’t!